Jerry Hairston is ... out?

In the interest of narrative arc, we first present this bit of photographic evidence from the sixth inning of Wednesday's Dodgers-Rockies matinee (image courtesy of FanGraphs):



And now we present first-base umpire Tim Welke's free-wheeling interpretation of said play:



Once more, for maximum emphasis. Actual play:



Authoritative interpretation of play:



Unless Todd Helton has eight-foot shins that are invisible to non-Welke eyes, this inexplicable out call must stand as one of the worst umpiring gaffes in the history of ever.

After the game, Helton admitted he wasn't close.

"Neighborhood? It wasn't in the same area code," he said (MLB.com).

That, in the parlance of Jim Joyce, is kicking the [blank] out of it.