As Hubie Dubois once hollered from his bicycle while cruising through autumn winds and falling leaves: Halloween's upon us! And what better way to ring in the festivities than by taking stock of the NFL at roughly the midway point of the 2024 season? After all, there's plenty of scariness in football right now.
Want proof? Look no further than these five teams, who are liable to give you nightmares on account of either their sure path of destruction or their descent into utter darkness:
Scarily good: The Detroit Lions
Record: 6-1 | Movie comparison: "Gremlins" (1984)
Cherished as the cute little underdogs not so long ago, they're now full-blown terrors. And as sure as both unsupervised Mogwai and testosterone-jacked Dan Campbell like to snarl and bite, the Lions boast maybe the most dangerous offense in all of football. Even Jared Goff, who's been prone to skittish stretches under pressure, has found new levels of efficiency as Ben Johnson's point guard. They're a powerhouse.
Scarily inevitable: The Kansas City Chiefs
Record: 7-0 | Movie comparison: "Halloween" (1978)
No matter how many times they get hunted and battered, they keep showing up. They may take their sweet time cornering their next victim, but the next victim always surfaces. Just look at what's going on with Patrick Mahomes. The three-time Super Bowl champion is going on two straight years of career-worst numbers, and yet not a single team has halted him in crunch time this year. Don't ever count them out.
Quietly scary: The Philadelphia Eagles
Record: 5-2 | Movie comparison: "The Birds" (1963)
One chirp here. Another there. Before long, an entire playground is transformed from a childish haven to a nest for winged power. It's true the Eagles were sluggish to start, evoking memories of their 2023 collapse, but three straight wins -- each of them more promising than the last -- signals progress. Jalen Hurts, Saquon Barkley, A.J. Brown and DeVonta Smith make a near-unmatched flock when operating in sync.
Scarily bad: The Dallas Cowboys
Record: 3-4 | Movie comparison: "Bride of Frankenstein" (1935)
Was it Jerry Jones or Dr. Frankenstein who tried to convince us that selectively throwing money and spare parts all over a rotting possession would produce something shiny and new? Look, the Cowboys may have grand visions and big names, but the very infrastructure of their operation has proven fragile. Dak Prescott has become an on-field madman as a result, forcing throws to offset the club's lack of stability.
Nightmarishly bad: The New York Jets
Record: 2-6 | Movie comparison: "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (1956)
The most ghoulish group on the block, the Jets have remade themselves in Aaron Rodgers' image, to the point it's hard to distinguish Gang Green from the 2021-era Green Bay Packers ... except for the fact the current team is lifeless; a barren copy of what once was. Is it a coincidence the famed alien pods that grew into body doubles also originated in California? New York had basically no choice but to go all in for Rodgers this year, but his otherworldly touch has yet to resurface for a dysfunctional organization.
