If you've looked at an NFL schedule at any point over the past 24 hours, then you may have noticed that we're headed into the final week of the regular season, which is sad news because that means no more picks from me this year.
That's actually probably more sad for me than you though because it means no more drinking tequila on Monday nights before I write. I'm just kidding, I don't drink before I write, my picks are just so bad sometimes that it seems that way.
That being said, there's 100 percent chance I'll be drinking tequila while serving as the commissioner of my "Bachelor" fantasy league. Based on what my sister has told me, you can't even be in a "Bachelor" fantasy league unless you're willing to drink a bottle of wine and/or tequila per episode, which I'm willing to do.
Someone at ABC clearly drank a few bottles of wine before coming up with that idea.
To be honest, ABC should probably give a complementary bottle of alcohol to anyone who's crazy enough to sign up for this thing -- like me. I'll sign up for anything with the word fantasy in it. Fantasy football? Yup. Fantasy Bachelor? Sure. Final Fantasy? Why not.
The only thing I won't sign up for is a fantasy league where you win by naming the next celebrity to die in 2016 because that seems morbid. I hate you 2016, stop killing everyone, and stop breaking quarterbacks' fibulae. Just to be safe, I'm probably going to lock myself in a room until 2017 starts Sunday, and I highly advise you do the same.
Before we move on, I should clarify that there will be playoff picks this season, so you're not done with me yet, and I promise to actually get some of those right.
OK, I think now's a good time to start talking about football, and since it's Week 17, let's talk about the playoffs.
Instead of celebrating Christmas on Sunday, I decided to study up on NFL playoff scenarios. I know it sounds crazy, and yes, my family disowned me, but it was all worth it when I found the one and only scenario that will put the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the playoffs.
I don't want to put a damper on anything, but right now, I would say there's a better chance of Tampa being hit by a blizzard than the Bucs making the postseason.
All Tampa needs to get to the playoffs is a win over the Panthers, followed by five other teams winning and then one game has to end in a tie.
I know what you're thinking, the odds definitely aren't in Tampa's favor here. Well, that doesn't mean the Bucs can't pull this off.
The odds also said that a movie about a basketball playing dog would never work, but that didn't stop "Air Bud" from being one of the five best films of all-time. Also, no one thought Eli Manning would win more Super Bowl rings than Brett Favre and Dan Marino combined, but that happened. And let's not forget, the odds definitely didn't favor Katniss Everdeen during her first appearance at the "Hunger Games," and we all know how that turned out, so let's not pretend like a Bucs playoff berth isn't possible.
The best part of all this is that if the Bucs make the playoffs, it might inspire Nick Carter to write another album for the Backstreet Boys and we can probably all agree there's no downside to that.
Sorry for sticking you guys with an extra long intro this week, but it's the last time I'll be picking regular-season games until next September, so I'm kind of emotional right now, kind of like I was when I saw "The Notebook" for the first time. Man, that movie was sad.
Anyway, let's get to the picks.
Actually, before we get to the picks, here's your weekly reminder that you can check out the picks from every CBSSports.com NFL expert by clicking here.
The reason you should click over and check out the other experts this week is because there are no more weeks to check them out. The regular season is over after Sunday and if you don't check them out now, then they'll be gone forever. It's like when I went to the store last week and passed up a chance to get Christmas Capn' Crunch. At first I didn't regret it, but now I do because they didn't have it when I went back to the store Monday and now I think it's gone forever.
Alright, let's get to the picks, where you'll notice that things are arranged in a slightly different manner this week.
NFL Week 17
Playoff implications for both teams
Green Bay (9-6) at Detroit (9-6), 8:30 p.m. ET (NBC): We only get one winner-take-all game in Week 17. The depressing part about that is that this game isn't even really winner-take-all. If the Packers and Lions tie Sunday, then both teams would make the playoffs. That's right, a tie is arguably the best case scenario for both teams in this game. Basically, if the Packers and Lions agree to spend four quarters kneeling on every play, then the game would end in a 0-0 tie and both teams would make the playoffs. Ironically, the way the Lions offense has been playing lately, kneeling on every play might actually be the most effective strategy for them.
Even though I'm picking against Detroit, that doesn't mean your team is going to miss the playoffs, Lions fans. If the Giants beat the Redskins, then the Lions will pull off the, "Lose three games in a row and still clinch a playoff berth" feat, which is not anything you ever want to brag about.
The pick: Packers 30-17 over Lions
New England (13-2) at Miami (10-5), 1 p.m. ET (CBS): Believe it or not, this game does actually have playoff implications for both teams. If the Dolphins win, they could move to the fifth seed in the AFC if that win is combined with a Chiefs loss. On the Patriots' end, if they win, they get home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.
By my math, there's only about a .014 percent chance that the Dolphins will get the fifth seed and I think Adam Gase knows that, so I expect him to rest all his injured players, which is basically everyone on their defense. To be clear, that doesn't mean he'll be resting his starters, he'll just be resting anyone who's banged up. Basically, you have a Patriots team playing for home-field advantage against a Dolphins team that would probably forfeit this game if it was allowed to, which means I'm going to be picking the team that's not the Dolphins here.
That being said, if I've learned anything during my 71 hours on the internet this week, it's that picking against the Dolphins is never a good idea. Just ask this random guy on Twitter who said there was no way they would make the playoffs this year.
I already feel sorry for his parents. Hopefully he makes a video of the entire thing.
The pick: Patriots 30-13 over Dolphins
Playoff implications for only one team
Oakland (12-3) at Denver (8-7), 4:25 p.m. ET (CBS): Usually when a team loses its starting quarterback to injury, my first inclination is to pick against in them in every game they play for the the rest of the season. However, I'm NOT going to do that here, and that's mainly because the Broncos are playing like they've already given up on the season. I mean, they let a 350-pound dude throw a touchdown pass on them. If that's not throwing in the towel, I don't know what it is.
Although I hate the fact that Matt McGloin is 1-6 as a starter in his career, I like the fact that his only win came against Gary Kubiak back in 2013. That's poetic. I like poetic. If McGloin pulls off this win, I might get poetic and write a haiku about it next week. I probably won't, but I might.
The pick: Raiders 17-16 over Broncos
N.Y. Giants (10-5) at Washington (8-6-1), 4:25 p.m. ET (Fox): Every time I expect a big win out of the Redskins, they fall flat on their faces and lose, so I'm kind of hesitant to pick them in this game. However, my only other choice would be to pick the Giants and I definitely don't want to do that. The Giants are locked in as the fifth seed in the NFC, so it doesn't matter if they win or lose this game, which means we'll likely see them rest several starters. I don't even like to pick the Giants to win when their starters are playing, so there's no way I can pick them to win when their starters might be out.
The only downside of a possible Redskins win is that this guy is going to have to give up his first-born child.
I hope he has talked that over with his wife/girlfriend or things could get kind of awkward Sunday. That guy might want to delete that tweet before President Trump decided to make all tweets legally binding. I read on a fake news site that he's going to do that, so it's probably going to happen.
The pick: Redskins 30-20 over Giants
Other picks:
Seahawks 34-17 over 49ers
Chiefs 30-23 over Chargers
Buccaneers 23-20 over Panthers
Picks where I'm not sure who to pick because one of the teams will likely be resting some starters
Cleveland (1-14) at Pittsburgh (10-5), 1 p.m. ET (CBS): I hate picking Week 17 games, because every year, there's always one crazy upset that no one saw coming. That won't come in this game. I just wanted to let you know I don't like picking Week 17 games. Ben Roethlisberger is already lobbying Mike Tomlin to let the Steelers' starters sit out for this game. The good news for the Steelers is that you don't really need your starters to beat the Browns
The pick: Steelers 20-13 over Browns
Other picks:
Week 17 picks: No playoff implication picks
(Returning bad Christmas gifts would be more exciting than watching these games)
Last week
Best pick: Last week, I predicted that the Steelers would win the AFC North by beating the Ravens, and then the Steelers went out and won the AFC North by beating the Ravens. Now, did I know that Antonio Brown was going to level three defenders, extend his arm and then score the winning touchdown with just nine seconds left?
Of course I did. I follow the guy on Snapchat, and if I've learned one thing about Brown during my time following him on Snapchat, it's that he loves haircuts, which I guess isn't really relevant to what I'm talking about right now. However, I also learned that he never misses a day of leg workouts, which is why he was able to score even with three defenders on him.
People in Pittsburgh are calling this play the Immaculate Extension, which I can't get on board with because that sounds like an erectile dysfunction drug.
On the other hand, "The Catch the Saved Christmas?" I can get behind that.
Let's go with that. I smell a sequel to "The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh."
Worst pick: I had a horrible week and I blame it all on kickers. I've spent the past four years defending kickers, but I can't do it anymore after they threw me under the bus in Week 16. They didn't just throw me under the bus, either, they ran me over four times, then traded in their bus for a steamroller, then ran me over again. It was ugly.
If you're wondering how ugly it was, I picked the Bengals, Chargers, Bills and Seahawks all to win, and they all lost because their kickers are the opposite of clutch. Here is Bengals kicker Randy Bullock not being clutch.
I don't always completely agree with random people on the internet, but I agree with the guy below.
The good news for kickers is that "this year" is almost over because 2017 starts Sunday.
Speaking of the new year, my resolution for 2017 is to not bet $9,000 on the Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl. I would suggest you do the same.
My other resolution is to spend more time at the Jaguars' pool.
Have a happy New Year and see you guys in 2017!
Picks record
Straight up in Week 16: 7-9
SU overall: 136-102-2
Against the spread in Week 16: 5-11
ATS overall: 109-120-11
You can find John Breech on Facebook or Twitter and if he's not doing one of those things, he's probably pitching his "Immaculate Extension" idea to the people who make Viagra.