HOUSTON -- The circus raged out of control.
Tom Brady and Matt Ryan were forced into an interview together and urged to say nice things about one another, making for the most awkward on-stage encounter since Kanye and Taylor Swift. Questioners in Halloween costumes swarmed the scene. Roger Goodell questions bubbled up, again and again.
And the players, forcing smiles and dodging questions, paraded out mostly evasions.
This was Super Bowl media day -- ahem, Opening Night -- jumping the shark, veering out of control and overwhelming what used to be a nice and quiet question-and-answer session between actual journalists and athletes.
No wonder, then, that Patriots and Falcons players competing in Sunday's Super Bowl had trouble answering simple questions with honest, real answers.
But have no fear.
We've got you covered.
Here, to cut through the silliness and the obfuscation, is our Super Bowl media day translator. We turn what was said by Tom Brady, Matt Ryan, Bill Belichick and others into what they actually meant.
Here we go:
Tom Brady was forced on stage between each team's media sessions with rival QB Matt Ryan and asked what advice he'd give his opponent. Both men looked pained.
What he said: "Matt doesn't need my advice. He's doing just fine by himself."
What he meant: "That is the single dumbest question I've ever heard. What advice do I have? How about, 'Get ready for a beatdown.'"
Patriots owner Robert Kraft spoke about Deflategate.
What he said: "I think in a way that galvanized our whole team."
What he meant: "I hate Roger Goodell."
Michael Irvin asked Julio Jones how concerned he was that Belichick would eliminate him as the Falcons primary weapon.
What he said: "I'm not concerned at all, teams tried to take me away this whole year."
What he meant: "I'm the man."
Belichick, always a man open to non-football questions as he prepares for a Super Bowl, was asked if he knew any Lady Gaga songs.
What he said: "Next."
What he meant: "I'm a Rihanna man myself. ... I break the rules and don't care ... Only thing that's on my mind ... Is who's gonna run this town tonight? ... Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey"
Extremely popular Patriots tight end Marcellus Bennett reflected on his career in Dallas, New York, Chicago and now New England.
What he said: He learned "how to speak a lot of different quarterback languages."
What he meant: "You have no idea what a relief it is to play with a quarterback who can actually win a playoff game. And, Jay Cutler -- total bum."
Falcons coach Dan Quinn was asked for much of the session about the challenge that's ahead for his team and just how hard it will be to slow down Tom Brady.
What he said: "We know we have our work cut out for ourselves, but we love our matchups too."
What he meant: "Yeah, dude, I know they're good. You don't think I haven't heard of Tom Brady? How did you even get a credential? I know we have to slow them down. It's the Super Bowl. It's not like we're going to face the Cleveland Browns."
Ben Garland had his Super Bowl dream snatched from him last year. After two seasons on the Broncos practice squad, as well as two years of active duty in the Air Force, Garland didn't get to go to the Super Bowl last season because the Broncos released him at the end of training camp.
What he said: "I'm so happy, things work out if you just keep working."
What he meant: "Hey Broncos: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. How you like me now, you sorry losers!"
Belichick was asked by a female reporter if he was aware of an underwear brand out there with his name on it.
What he said: "I think I missed that one somewhere," he said with very little emotion.
What he meant: "I'm not just known for my hoodies."
In perfect media day fashion, after a question about the Falcons offense, Jones was asked if he's a good cook.
What he said: "I ain't in the kitchen, I don't cook anything."
What he meant: "Go away."
Brady, chasing what would be a record-setting fifth championship, was asked about what he thinks about legacy and where he might rank all-time among the game's greatest QBs.
What he said: "I really don't. Because that was never the reason I played this game -- to be the best. I did it because I love football. It wasn't ever to be on some conversation about where I rank compared to someone else."
What he meant: "GOAT suckers! I'm the MAN! Deflate that, Roger."