The NFL was clearly on crazy pills over the weekend because that's the only way to explain how the Jaguars, Bills and Rams are all in first place right now.
Forget the second two teams, though. If there's one thing I never thought I'd ever live to see in my life, it's the Jaguars all alone in first place. For some people, it was putting a man on the moon, for other people, it was Al Gore inventing the internet, but for me, the one thing I never thought I'd see in life is the Jaguars in first place. Yet here we are, and I'm not sure what to think.
The only thing remotely as weird as the Jaguars being in first place is Rihanna asking a magician for her virginity back.
I'm not sure how that works.
Speaking of taking things back though, I think Adrian Peterson already wants to take back his contract with the Saints so he can sign with a team that will actually use him. During the Saints 29-19 loss to the Vikings on Monday night, Peterson only carried the ball a total of six times, and he seemed pretty upset about it.
Now, I'm generally horrible at reading emotions, but thanks to four years of watching my college roommate get drunk and hit on anyone, I do know regret on someone's face when I see it, and Peterson definitely had a "I already regret signing in New Orleans" look on his face during the game.
Ironically, that was also the same face I was making at that point in the game because I have Peterson on my fantasy team and how is he supposed to SCORE POINTS FROM THE BENCH? It's like Sean Payton doesn't even care about my fantasy team.
The only thing more disastrous than my fantasy team this week was the Colts actual team. It almost seemed like Chuck Pagano wanted to get fired, which actually wouldn't be that crazy, because you'd probably also want to get fired from your job if you were stuck coaching a team that was quarterbacked by Scott Tolzien.
Anyway, let's get to the Week 2 picks, where I promise to pick the Colts to lose by at least two touchdowns.
Actually, before we get to my picks, here's a quick reminder that you can check out the weekly picks from every CBSSports.com NFL expert by clicking here. I would tell you to click over now, but if you do, you're going to miss my picture of a cat in an NFL jersey.
That cat is basically making the same face that most Patriots' fans were making after watching their team lose in Week 1. If a sad cat mimicking a Patriots fan doesn't put you in a mood to read NFL picks, I don't know what will.
Let's get to the picks.
Week 2 Picks
Houston (0-1) at Cincinnati (0-1), 8:30 p.m. ET (Thursday, NFL Network): After watching the Bengals offense fall flat on its face against the Ravens on Sunday, I think I can say with absolute certainty that any time Andy Dalton drops back to pass this season, one of three things is going to happen, and they're all bad.
When Dalton wasn't fumbling against the Ravens, he was throwing interceptions, and when he wasn't throwing interceptions, he was throwing incomplete passes. You know you've reached rock bottom when your own fans want to trade you before you've even reached the fourth quarter of your opening game, which is exactly what happened to Dalton on Sunday.
Unfortunately for Dalton and the Bengals offense, things won't be getting any easier this week because now they have to face J.J. Watt and the Texans defense. I think what I'm trying to say here is that I'm going to pick the Texans.
On the other hand, maybe I shouldn't pick Houston because the only thing more horrifying than watching the Bengals offense in Week 1 was watching the Texans offense. The Jaguars racked up so many sacks against the Texans (10) that they changed their name to Sacksonville. I mean, if the Jaguars are trash-talking you on Twitter, then your season is basically lost.
The Texans will be missing their starting left tackle (Duane Brown) for the Bengals game, because he wants a raise and the Texans won't give it to him. The Texans will likely also be missing linebacker Brian Cushing along with every tight end on their active roster -- C.J. Fiedorowicz, Ryan Griffin and Stephen Anderson -- because they're all in concussion protocol, and Bill O'Brien didn't sound too confident about any of them playing this week.
If you see the Texans in a no tight end formation on Thursday, it's because they actually have no tight ends.
I feel like these two teams are pretty evenly matched right now, so I'm going with the Bengals and that's mainly because I'm not sure the Texans are even going to have enough players to field a team. Unless, of course, J.J. Watt decides to hold another fundraiser and then uses that money to sign a left tackle, a tight end, and a linebacker for the Texans by Thursday. I want to say that raising money to sign free agents would be impossible and probably against NFL rules, but at this point, I'm not going to put anything past Watt.
The pick: Bengals 16-13 over Texans
Dallas (1-0) at Denver (1-0), 4:25 p.m. ET (FOX): I'm not 100 percent sure if Ezekiel Elliott will be playing in this game, but if I learned one thing while earning my free online law degree, it's that I'm now completely qualified to answer legal questions like this. The NFL really doesn't want Elliott to play, but since the court system moves slower than Rob Ryan at an all-you-can-eat vegetable buffet, I'm going to assume that Elliott will be on the field because nothing will be resolved this week.
Now that all the legal stuff is out of the way, let me cut right to the chase here: I'm taking the Cowboys.
The Cowboys actually have an offense that matches up well with the Broncos' defense, and with Denver coming off a short week, I like the Cowboys way more than I should, considering the fact they haven't won in Denver since 1992. That was so long ago that Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliot weren't even born yet.
Back in 1992, the Cowboys went on to win the Super Bowl after winning in Denver during the regular season, which kind of ties this all together because the Cowboys are my Super Bowl pick from the NFC. Although Jerry Jones did not give me any money to make the Cowboys my Super Bowl pick, I will gladly take a check if he wants to send one.
The pick: Cowboys 27-13 over Broncos
Green Bay (1-0) at Atlanta (1-0), 8:30 p.m. ET (NBC): My general rule of thumb when trying to pick the winner in a Packers game is to always pick the Packers. However, that rule doesn't work so well when Aaron Rodgers is going up against Dan Quinn.
Since 2014, Quinn-coached teams are 4-0 against Rodgers. That total includes two wins that Quinn picked up while he was defensive coordinator of the Seahawks and two wins that he picked up with the Falcons. The obvious thing to do here would be to pick the Falcons, but I can't bring myself to do it because I simply can't overlook the fact that this has been the year of the collapse in Atlanta.
First, we had the Falcons in the Super Bowl.
Then I-85 totally fell apart.
And what I think I'm trying to say here is that there's a 90 percent chance that something's going to collapse on Sunday, and since I don't think it's going to be the stadium, I'm going to go with the Falcons. Also, I might pick against Atlanta all season on principle alone for putting a restaurant in their new stadium that's not even open on Sundays.
If I can't have Chick-Fil-A while I'm watching football, then I don't want to watch football, and trust me, I'm not the only one who thinks this.
I've never agreed with a tweet more, except for anything Paris Hilton tweets. I always agree with her for some reason.
The pick: Packers 30-28 over Falcons after Atlanta blows a 28-3 lead
Ex-coaches are coming for revenge so I'm going to pick them to win
Washington (0-1) at L.A. Rams (1-0), 4:25 p.m. ET (FOX): We're less than one week into the season and Kirk Cousins is already complaining about his offensive line.
When a quarterback complains about his offensive line this early in the season, that's not just throwing them under the bus, that's crashing the bus into a truck and then setting the truck on fire.
The Redskins are already in total disarray, and I'm guessing new Rams coach Sean McVay isn't surprised at all. No one knows more about the Redskins dysfunction than McVay, who served as Washington's offensive coordinator from 2014 to 2016. When the NFL schedule came out in April, McVay probably high-fived his entire coaching staff when he saw that the Rams were playing the Redskins in Week 2.
If the Redskins offensive line couldn't protect Cousins in Week 1 vs. the Eagles, I'm giving them a zero percent chance of protecting him against the Rams defensive front.
The good news for the Redskins is that even if they lose, it probably won't be that embarrassing because there's a good chance that no one will be there to see it. By my count, there were roughly 146 fans at the Rams' season opener on Sunday.
The Rams' marketing team needs to step up their game and offer something like free plastic surgery with each ticket. I mean, I lived in Southern California for two years and I know that would get me to the game, especially this week because my cheeks are looking a little saggy.
The pick: Rams 27-20 over Redskins
Eagles (1-0) at Chiefs (1-0), 1 p.m. ET (FOX): Andy Reid seems like a guy who probably owns a calendar, and I'm guessing that he's had this game circled since the NFL schedule came out in April. It's now been five years since Reid was fired by the Eagles, which means he's had five years to plot his revenge against Philadelphia, and if you know anything about Reid, you know that's bad news for the Eagles. This is a guy who's pretty much unbeatable when he's coaching a team coming off a bye, so just imagine how unbeatable he's going to be with five years of planning under his belt instead of one extra week.
The x-factor here is Miss America, which doesn't sound like it makes sense, but trust me, it does. While watching the Miss America pageant on Sunday, as I do every September, I heard Miss America mention the fact that she went to high school with Carson Wentz.
Apparently, everyone in North Dakota knows everyone else because that's the only way to explain this. Now, not only did Miss North Dakota take home the crown, but apparently, she only won because she was inspired by Wentz.
"I said, 'If Carson Wentz can do it, Miss North Dakota Cara Mund can become Miss America.'"
That's a real quote, and the best part is, not only did she mentioned Wentz, but she spoke in third person. What else could you possibly want from a Miss America?
If Wentz beats the Chiefs on Sunday, that's a strong argument for all of us moving to North Dakota because it's pretty clear that everyone there is highly successful. However, I don't think the move is going to happen, because I don't think Wentz and the Eagles are going to win. Now that Alex Smith is throwing deep, it's hard to imagine any team keeping the Chiefs under 30 points this season, and if Reid is going for revenge, I won't be surprised at all if he runs up the score. Reid might even throw on two vindictive touchdowns as a way of punishing Eagles coach Doug Pederson for jumping ship from Kansas City after the 2015 season to become the head coach in Philly. Basically, this win will be five times sweeter than the one Reid picked up against the Eagles in 2013.
After this loss, Pederson might secretly start hoping that Jim Schwartz does actually steal his job.
The pick: Chiefs 33-20 over Eagles
Ex-assistant coach I'm not picking to win
Panthers 20-13 over Bills (Bills coach Sean McDermott was the Panthers DC from 2011-16)
Week 2 picks: All the rest
Ravens 20-17 over Browns
Cardinal 27-13 over Colts
Titans 27-24 over Jaguars
Patriots 30-24 over Saints
Steelers 20-16 over Vikings
Buccaneers 24-17 over Bears
Seahawks 24-10 over 49ers
Last week
Best pick: The best pick award goes to Tony Romo this week for successfully predicting dozens of plays during his announcing debut with CBS Sports on Sunday. If you've ever wondered what it's like to watch a football game with Nostradamus, you now know.
If you want to check out Romo in Week 2 -- and trust me, you do -- he'll be in New Orleans with Jim Nantz and Tracy Wolfson for the Patriots game against the Saints.
Worst pick: Last week, I said that Tom Brady was going to be the most jinxed person in human history this year and then I didn't even listen to my own advice and I picked him to win anyway. Not only did I pick Brady and the Patriots to beat the Chiefs, but I said it was going to be a blowout. It was basically my worst pick since I took the guy from District 6 to win the 74th Hunger Games. The odds definitely weren't in his favor.
By the way, if the Patriots lose again this week, I could totally see Belichick holding his own Hunger Games to help him decide who makes the active roster for Week 3. Sure, having your players compete for their lives in a Hunger Games situation is probably against everything in the Collective Bargaining Agreement, but if I know one thing about Belichick, it's that he doesn't care about rules.
Picks Record
Straight up in Week 1: 9-6
SU Overall: 9-6
Against the spread in Week 1: 6-9
ATS Overall: 6-9
You can find John Breech on Facebook or Twitter and if he's not doing one of those things, he's probably on the phone with his plastic surgeon trying to figure out a good day to get his cheeks done.